The Ultra Super Secret Way to Beat Candida

I just googled Candida Rage (You know, to check my search rankings, right? Actually it was because I forgot where my blog was. I’ve been terribly busy being rageful offline for quite a while now.) and turned up a whole bunch of posts on how candida can cause “extreme mood swings, feelings of rage…”

Heh. Heh heh heh.

Also…there are a jillion freaking blogs about candida, and every single one of them talks in this horrible dumbed down language with just enough information to get you to start thinking that maybe this one is okay, maybe this one isn’t total bullshit…but then you have to buy their book in order to find out THE SECRET OF HOW TO BEAT CANDIDA.

Right.

And I’m just going to hazard a guess here, but out of all of these million blogs, with a million books for sale, each with their own smarmy guru peddling themselves and their version of reality, probably half are primarily about peddling their own anti-fungal vitamin supplements or something (none of which are intended to cure or treat any disease), and the other half are talking about diet. Of the half a million blogs/books talking about candida and diet, half of these might actually mention that you have to SEVERELY modify your diet, but 99% of these quickly change the subject (or fail to use the word SEVERELY) to trendy words like “GAPS-friendly Caramel Sauce”  and “Paleo Chocolate Muffins.” And once we start using words like these, guess what’s coming next? You guessed it! THE SECRET OF HOW TO BEAT CANDIDA: THE SEQUEL COOKBOOK!

And to that, at this point in my rageful progression with this dark passenger, I say SHUT THE FUCK UP.

The Sequel Cookbook (which incidentally costs $65 plus shipping and is profusely illustrated with gorgeous food porn photography designed to make you want foods you can’t have) is not going to help, folks. Because each of these asshole authors has some axe to grind (this one hates dairy but loves quinoa – another loves legumes but hates soy – most of them think vegetarians should be lobotomized) or some pet product or treatment like ACV, or coconut oil, or enemas, or ACV coconut oil enemas – but only with specific brands of coconut oil!*

Each of these pet issues they have tends to distract from getting you the information you need. Which is: YOU HAVE TO QUIT FUCKING EATING SUGAR**. At least temporarily. And temporarily could mean years. And it’s going to be hard as fuck (But not in that good way). And you are going to relapse at least once and maybe a hundred times before you remember that it’s not worth it. And it’s also impossible to not eat sugar. But you have to try.

After you mostly quit eating sugar, what you do next can vary. For some people, not eating sugar for a month or so will do the trick. For other people, it takes longer. For some people starting their own blog to beat back the bullshit is the only reasonable and sane thing to do. Just stop me when I start posting photos of my poo on here. Even for me, that’s a step too far.***

*Please don’t actually try this. I’m being an asshole. It’s called satire. Also…no pun intended. 

**In all forms. Natural sugar is still sugar. Your body turns starch into sugar. It will feed your candida.

***Yup. There’s a candida blog out there with photos of poo. Fun stuff.

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6 thoughts on “The Ultra Super Secret Way to Beat Candida

  1. Oh. My. God. This reduced me to fits of laughter in which I literally couldn’t finish reading portions of your posts aloud to my husband. Also, your post on pork? Totally agree: GIVE ME AN ACTUAL REASON WHY I SHOULDN’T EAT PORK. Lol.

    (Please post often. Your writing is fantastic.)

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      1. Yup. Recently discovered that all members of my family of five have it. It’s totally gross to think about yeast running rampant, but liberating to be able to actually DO something about it. (Especially as it solves many ongoing, seemingly disconnected health problems simultaneously.)

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    1. Several years ago I made huge changes to my family’s diet (no processed foods or sugar, raw milk exclusively, only organic vegetables, no wheat, etc), and that helped, but didn’t totally clear up all health issues…apparently because we were still eating some fruit, and limited amounts of honey and maple syrup. At that time, I was working with an ND, MD, and chiro, none of whom identified the candida, for anyone in my family. During a recent period without raw milk, and serendipitous experimentation with sourdough einkorn, it all clicked and it was overwhelmingly clear that everyone in my family has candida.

      Once reading up on it, I skipped the MD/ND route, and went straight to self-treatment. Currently we’re on an strict diet of organic low-carb vegetables, meat, and raw milk, with supplements of vitamin C and bentonite clay. We’re especially eating all the candida-killers: garlic, coconut oil, lemon and lime juices, etc. We are fortunate to have a family cow, and after she calved recently I was thrilled to read that raw milk colostrum is one of the very best foods for killing candida–it has unusually high levels of lactoferrin, even higher than regular raw milk (which so much easier to digest than pasteurized milk in part because of the lactoferrin).

      So, to sum it all up, my family’s approach is: no sugar, at all, in any form. Lol. Clearly you’re doing some similar things; have you noticed improvements in your health?

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  2. I have definitely noticed improvements in my health. I have lost a lot of weight, my skin and hair feel healthier, my mood has improved dramatically, and I can think much more clearly. There are still times when I struggle, because for whatever reason, even the severely restricted diet that I’ve been on for more than 6 months doesn’t seem to have killed off the candida entirely. I guess it just takes a long time to rebalance one’s system, but I get impatient.

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